Context

Christopher Peterson, one of the most important researchers in positive psychology, used to say that this could be summed up in two words: "Others matter" (Peterson, 2006).

Peterson (2006) points out that the ability to love and be loved is very important throughout life. It does not refer only to romantic or couple's love, but to that which exists in all kinds of close relationships, such as in friendship, for example.

What characterizes good interpersonal relationships?

In this section we will see some of the research on the importance of relationships for well-being, and what characterizes good interpersonal relationships.

Explanation


7.1 Importance of relationships for wellbeing


Have you heard about Harlow's famous experiments with monkeys?

Harlow (1958) wanted to know if babies developed a relationship with the mother just because they needed food or if other factors came into play.

He designed an experiment with small monkeys. He separated them from their mothers and put them in a cage with two mannequins: a "monkey" made of stiff wire that had a bottle from which milk came out, and another "monkey" made of plush, which did not give milk but had a nice texture.

Harlow found that the monkeys preferred to be with the plush mannequin than the one that gave them milk; this means that the "warm" contact was as important as the feeding.

The role of neurotransmitters in interpersonal relationships

Many authors think that our brain is "wired" to connect, relate to others and love others; For example, when we have social contact and especially when we have physical contact, we secrete a substance called oxytocin.

Another neurotransmitter that plays a role in interpersonal relationships is dopamine. This substance has to do with pleasure, positive experiences and the mechanisms of brain reinforcement.

Studies have been done using magnetic resonances of the brain, and it has been found that people who say they are "very much in love" when they see a picture of the person they love show brain activity patterns different from those they see when they look at photographs of other loved ones, such as their friends or relatives (Bartels and Zeki, 2000, cited in Peterson 2006).

As Peterson (2006) explains this does not mean that love is only a physiological question, but we do have a biological predisposition to establish relationships with other people.

Relating to others is one of the basic needs of human beings. One of the most important theories of personality and motivation at present is the theory of self-determination by Ryan & Deci (2000), which postulates that people have 3 fundamental psychological needs:

  • Autonomy: refers to the feeling of control and will over one's own behavior
  • Competence: concerns the sense of self-efficacy with respect to one’s own capacities and the facilities provided by the environment to put them into practice
  • To relate: implies a sense of belonging and connection with others

The importance of friendship in our lives

Dr. Csikszentmihalyi, in his studies with the experience sampling method, has found that people of all ages, in all the countries that have been studied, are happier when they are with other people than when they are alone, and that loneliness tends to make us sad. A certain time of solitude is important for reflection and rest, but in general people prefer to be with other people (Csikszentmihalyi, 1998).

Friendships play a very important role in our life. Having good friends (those who support us) is strongly correlated with life satisfaction and wellbeing. Research in the United States indicates that most people generally only have a few close friends (approximately 3 to 5 at school age, 5 in adulthood, and 7 to 9 newly married. When people get older, they prefer to keep their old friendships than to make new friends). Having a good relationship also correlates strongly with physical and emotional health (Peterson, 2006).

  • Interpersonal relationships are basic

In Brazil there is the saying: "If you want to kill the spider, undo its web"; Without its web, the spider cannot live. The same is true for human beings: our social web, the network of interpersonal relationships is basic to our wellbeing and one could almost affirm that it is basic to our survival.

Research on the importance of interpersonal relationships

Get to know the contributions of different authors.

Click on each button to view the information

Maisel and Gable (2009) conducted some of the most important research on relationships and wellbeing. The data on the consequences of not having a solid social network are impressive: not having a good support network implies the same risk of mortality as smoking or having high blood pressure (House, Landis and Umberson, 1988 in Maisel & Gable, 2009.)

Uchino, Cacioppo and Kiecolt (1996, in Maisel and Gable, 2009) have found that there is an association between social ties and the functioning of the cardiovascular, endocrine and immune systems.

There is also evidence of the negative effects of losing our important relationships, such as losing a partner through death or divorce, and the negative impact of conflicting relationships.

An investigation (cited by Rath & Harter, 2010) studied the effects of marital stress on health: they took 42 married couples to a hospital, they made small wounds on the arms of all the spouses and they placed a device to measure the speed to which they healed. They found that people who had hostility in their marriage took twice as long to heal as those who got along well.

The surveys by the Gallup organization (Rath & Harter, 2010) have found that people who have a close friend or "best friend" at work are more involved in what they do, produce better quality results and have fewer workplace accidents.


 

7.2 Characteristics of good interpersonal relationships

Peterson (2006) emphasizes that all close relationships involve love, not just those of a couple. For his part, Fredrickson also explains the same thing when he talks about that feeling.

In this segment, you will focus on research on positive relationships, as this is an area in which many studies have been done.

The researcher who has probably studied the most relationships is Dr. John Gottman, who for more than 30 years has interviewed, observed, recorded and taken physiological measurements on thousands of couples; couples of all kinds: newly married, married for many years, living together, heterosexual couples and same sex. His famous "Love Lab" (laboratory of love) is an apartment equipped with video cameras.

Couples, who volunteer to participate in Gottman's studies, agree to spend 24 hours in that apartment and to be recorded the entire time, except when they are in the bathroom or in the bedroom. Before and during their stay, some samples are taken from them, sometimes blood, urine, saliva (to measure the presence of substances such as cortisol, the stress hormone) or the heartbeat. At one point they are asked to talk about a topic that causes them conflict and the rest of the time they are asked to interact normally.

Gottman and his team have found that after observing 10 minutes of the couple's interaction, they can predict with 90% certainty whether they will split up or stay together. They have seen that there are 4 warning signs that they call:

The 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse for couples:
  • Criticism
  • Defensiveness
  • Contempt
  • Stone-walling


Surely, in all couples, there is a certain amount of criticism, and it is common for people to sometimes put themselves on the defensive and not accept what the other says.


What Gottman has discovered is that it is not the presence of this kind of things, but the frequency with which they occur in relation to other types of interactions; that is, he has seen that there is a proportion of positive to negative interactions that characterizes happy couples: 5 to 1.

Click on the button to read the information.

7.3 Cultivating important relationships

Shelley Gable (Maisel & Gable, 2009) has studied good interpersonal relationships. One of the topics investigated is "capitalization", the sharing of positive events with others. We all know that it is important to offer support when a loved one faces difficulties; but Gable has seen another angle, that the way we react when something good happens to a loved one is also very important.

She postulates that reactions to the good news of others are given in two dimensions:

  • If our response is active or passive
  • If it is constructive or destructive

When we respond passively, but destructively, we ignore or minimize the good news with our lack of energy and some negative message.

If the answer is both destructive and active, we respond emphatically but to disqualify or criticize the other. As you can imagine, the answer that brings the most benefits to relationships is the active-constructive response, in this we respond with enthusiasm and recognition to the good news of our loved one.

Do you remember the 10 forms of positivity that Barbara Fredrickson talks about? They are all involved in love. Check out the text below.

Click on the button to view the information.


Closure

George Vaillant (2009) conducted the longest research that has been done on the development of adults, a study of a generation of men and women over 70 years.

After carefully researching dozens of factors that predict the wellbeing of people in adulthood and old age, he has found that, without a doubt, "Relations with others are what matter more than anything else in the world."

For example, those people who had had warm and solid relationships were much more likely to have successful work, good income and good health. That is why Vaillant (2009) dares to affirm: "Happiness is equal to Love. Period."

Review the following Checkpoint:

Make sure you understand:

  • The link between interpersonal relationships and wellbeing.
  • That neurotransmitters influence the development of attachment.
  • What characterizes good relationships.

References

  • Britton, K. (2010, October 26). Después de todo, ¿qué es el amor? (web post). Retrieved from: http://es.positivepsychologynews.com/news/kathryn-britton/201110261209
  • Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
  • Diener, E. & Biswas-Diener, R. (2008). Happiness. Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing.
  • Dunn, E., Aknin, L.B. & Norton, M.I. (2008). Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness. Science, 319, 1687-1688. Retrieved from:: http://www.people.hbs.edu/mnorton/dunn%20aknin%20norton.pdf
  • Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.
  • Harlow, H. (1958). The Nature of Love. American Psychologist, 13, 673-685.
  • Kahneman, D., & Deaton, A. (2010). High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 107 (38). Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2944762/
  • Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make you Happy, but Doesn't, What Shouldn't Make you Happy, but Does. New York, NY: Penguin Press.
  • Maisel, N.C. & Gable, S.L. (2009). For Richer... in Good Times… and in Health: Positive Processes in Relationship. In S. J. Lopez & C. Snyder, Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology (455-462). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  • Peterson, C. (2006). A Primer in Positive Psychology. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  • Peterson, C. & Park, N. (2009). El estudio científico de las fortalezas humanas. En C. Vázquez & G. Hervás, La ciencia del bienestar. Fundamentos de una Psicología Positiva, (pp. 181-207). Madrid: Alianza Editorial.
  • Peterson, C. & Seligman, M.E.P. (2004). Character Strengths and Virtues: a Handbook and Classification. Washington D.C.: American Psychological Association.
  • Rath, T., & Harter, J. (2010). Wellbeing. The Five Essential Elements. New York, NY: Gallup Press.
  • Ryan, R., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being. American Psychologist 55(1), 68-78. Retrieved from: https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/SDT/documents/2000_RyanDeci_SDT.pdf
  • Shadyac, T. (Producer) and Belic, R. (Director). (2011). Happy [Film]. USA: Emotional Content / Iris Films / Wadi Rum Films
  • Tarragona, M. (2010). El mejor regalo: regalarnos. Mente Sana, 54. Retrieved from: http://positivamente.com.mx/el-mejor-regalo-regalarnos/
  • Vaillant, G. (2009, July, 16). Yes, I Stand By My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop”. (Web post). Retrieved from: http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/george-vaillant/200907163163
  • Vázquez, C. (2009). El Bienestar de las Naciones. In C. Vázquez & G. Hervás (Coords.), La ciencia del bienestar: Fundamentos de una psicología positiva (pp. 103-141). Madrid, España: Alianza.